Women Paused

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to the radio when a 30minute segment about -whisper- 'The Change of Life' began. Now, unfortunately, I was on my way somewhere and didn't get to listen to the whole program and despite making promises to myself to catch up on it later, I never did. (I will link to the programme at a later date)

At the time, I was driving along and thinking to myself about how refreshing, eye-opening and about-goddam-time it was to hear people talking about it on the radio.

Let me wax lyrical about my need to reflect on this program.

Did you know that the average age for women to reach menopause in the U.K. Is 51, with most women approaching it between the ages of 45 and 55. However, 1 in 100 women hit menopause before 40years old. Interesting descriptor, don't you think? Hit? More like, menopause hits women.

I'm one of the latter example. I'll tell you more about this shortly.

Some women have described the menopause as merely an inconvenience: hot flushes and sleepless nights are all too often, taken as an inevitability and turned into a joke by both the sufferer and those who don't pretend to try to understand. For me, the sleepless nights: the night sweats and itching means I'm lucky to get 3hrs in one stretch through the night... add in some hay fever and you'll find me an exhausted wreck the next day longing for another bash at sleep at the earliest possible chance

Listening to the cases on the radio talking about the memory loss;the brain fogginess, and the general inability to reach the intellectual, emotional and physiological heights that we once took into our strides: I realised just how ignorant we all are.

Put simply, the odds that I was menopausal in any way were slim considering my age and other medical facts too icky to share here just now! Having said that, in my mid 20s, I had spent the best part of 3yrs trying to convince doctors that I was struggling with my periods before they finally stopped giving me more drugs and scanned me. Actually, upon further reflection, it was a nurse who -when I went for a check up- said she could actually see a lump and suspected fibroids; she was the reason I was finally scanned. Not the doctor. I'm not here to bash doctors per se, but when a doctor doesn't even listen to you and tells you that you're at a low risk of anything serious because your lifestyle and age dictate the law of averages: you lose heart and just 'deal with it' as this paticular doctor suggested I do. So, you see, I had struggled with the kind of issues that can't be seen, only felt: and that, is a massive part of menopause and it's long, drawn-out symptoms.

Since having a total abdominal hysterectomy in 2015, I have come to realise that although I technically lost the physical ability to ever create a child -or generate oestrogen by my own means- the fact that I'd been perimenopausal since approximately 2011 was undetected. When I look back at my professional ability and my emotional strength, it actually becomes increasingly clear just how heavily going 'Through The Change' has affected me.

And yet...

And yet, I sought reason after reason after reason, to try to find out why I felt so unlike myself. Because, dear reader... that's how it feels. You are no longer yourself.

I became tired; was irritable and depressed; I self-sabotaged; had low confidence and my energy levels just were not what I'd expected of myself despite taking regular exercise and eating healthily, because, well, you have to assume that you're not well because your lifestyle isn't quite right. I rarely drank and never took drugs so I just tweaked what I could. And yet, I still felt wrong.

How does someone convince another person -a boss, a lover, a friend- that they are not well if it can't be seen?

Eventually, it was discovered that I was very likely to be menopausal: this diagnosis took over 4yrs to get and yet, when I was sitting in front of my consultant at the hospital discussing the hysterectomy operation I was being booked in for where he was going to leave my ovaries in, I had to remind him that I was indeed in this state. And do you know what he said?

'No, you're not!'

'Yes, I am... I've been tested'

'I can assure you, I'd know...'

Imagine how that felt... imagine what emotion flooded through my exhausted mind. I had to say 'Yes, I am, check my notes...' to which he simply replied, 'oh yeah'

I think we need a little more sensitivity Mr Consultant.

Now, in the time between diagnosis and operation, I thought it might be a little easier to find some support: talk to women around me, you understand? Well, I'm afraid not. Either the women I was around were not experiencing it at the same time, or they felt it was private. But ask yourself, the way I have asked myself... WHY? Why should the menopause be such a taboo topic? We teach young people about the menstrual cycle and what to expect: I've taught it myself to both boys and girls and it's been an invaluable lesson for them all. We've been able to talk about what to expect, how to be prepared, how to be supportive... and STILL, we don't teach women about menopause!!!

I take you back to my earlier question about hidden health issues: have you had time to think about it? For me, I felt like I had to convince people that I was struggling. I felt I had to show them how depressed I was and yet, it was the most unhealthy thing I could have done for myself. I have sat in training sessions and been told categorically that a person 'cannot be that depressed if they are laughing with their friends'. Ignore for the moment, the fact that this is a snapshot in time. Ignore for the moment, that this person has perfected the art of mask-wearing for possibly 20minutes... Ignore the fact, that they are trying their very hardest to feel normal.

I can feel the deviation in topic closing in, and I won't dwell on it any further, suffice to say, that for me, depression was an inevitability of not being heard when I tried to elucidate upon the way I felt for YEARS.

So, one thing lead to another and I eventually had to have a hysterectomy and I naively thought people might be willing to talk about the menopause a bit more if they knew I was going though it and that they need not fear judgement. Alas, I was wrong. The book is closed. There are no contributors.

I still struggle with the menopause and all its quirks; my friends are starting to open up about it slightly more as they begin to occupy the point of statistical averages, but it's been a subject that I've raised over other people's eyebrows.

How are we -as an entire race- largely ignorant of something that can have life impacting consequences? The sexist pig in me would go so far as to suggest that perhaps if my consultant knew it would one day happen to him, then he would be better informed and more empathetic.

What are your thoughts? Are you hitting menopause, or has it hit you? Let me know because I'm nosey and think we need to educate people. We can start by educating ourselves... sharing our stories and helping our mothers, daughters, sisters to seek the help that they know they need but are reluctant to ask for.

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